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The Book of Job, South Park style   Leave a comment

The Book of Job, South Park style

Gerald: Hello, Kyle. How’s the hemorrhoid today?

Kyle: Awesome.

Sheila: Kyle, we wanna tell you about the book of Job. It’s a story from the Bible.

Kyle: I’ve had enough of the Bible. What has it gotten me?

Gerald: Oh, I think you’ll see differently after hearing this. Sit down, Kyle. Uh, okay. You see, Job lived in the east of Jordan a long long time ago. Job was a great man. He was blessed with ten lovely children, a wonderful wife, and many friends.

Sheila: He was godly, and a good man, and fed the poor.

Gerald: He was the most upright and honorable of men, and every day he praised God.

Sheila: But one day, Satan went up to heaven and talked to God.

Kyle: Satan talked to God?

Sheila: Yes, in the book of Job, Satan talks to God. And God says to Satan, “Have you seen Job? He is a great man, and he praises me every day.”

Gerald: But Satan said, “Oh yeah? He only praises you because you gave him so much. If you didn’t give him those things, he would curse your name.”

Sheila: To which God said, “Oh yeah? I’ll show you, Satan! I’ll take those things away from Job and he will still praise my name.”

Gerald: And so, God had a bunch of barbarians come in and slaughter Job’s oxen and donkeys, and murder all his workers.

Sheila: Then God sent his fireballs from the sky and killed his sheep and the rest of his employees.

Gerald: And then, as Job’s sons and daughters were eating, God sent a mighty wind to collapse the house and crush and kill them all.

Sheila: Job was terribly sad, but he fell to his knees and said, “The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away,” and praised God’s name.

Gerald: So then, Job got painful sores all over his body.

Sheila: He was in terrible, miserable pain all day, every day. But he still kept his faith.

Gerald: God said to Satan, “See? I told you. Job still praises me.”

Kyle: And that’s it? That’s the end?

Sheila: Basically.

Kyle: That’s the most horrible story I’ve ever heard. Why would God do such a horrible thing to a good person just to prove a point to Satan?

Gerald: Oh. Uhhh, I don’t know.

Kyle: Then I was right. Job has all his children killed, and Michael Bay gets to keep making movies. There isn’t a God.


Posted 22 December, 2009 by manabrau in bible, humour, satan, tv-quotes

evolution is a bunch of BULL CRAP!! (humour)   Leave a comment

evolution is a bunch of BULL CRAP!!

Now I, for one, think evolution is a bunch of BULL CRAP.

But I’ve been told I have to teach it anyway.

It was thought up by Charles Darwin and it goes something like this:

In the beginning we were all fish. Okay? Swimming around in the water.

And then one day a couple of fish had a retard baby, and the retard baby was different, so it got to live.

So Retard Fish goes on to make more retard babies, and then one day, a retard baby fish crawled out of the ocean with it’s mutant fish hands…

and it had butt sex with a squirrel or something and made this. retard frog squirrel, and then that had a retard baby which was a… monkey fish-frog…

And then this monkey fish-frog had butt sex with that monkey, and… that monkey had a mutant retard baby that screwed another monkey and… that made you!

So there you go! You’re the retarded offspring of five monkeys havin’ butt sex with a fish-squirrel!

— Mrs Garrison – South Park s10e12 “Go God Go”

Posted 2 May, 2009 by manabrau in humour, Religion Sux Arse, south-park, T.A., tv-quotes