mostly written, 14th Oct 2009, mostly….
i “used” to be a “christian” – well actually I don’t remember myself ever actually being christian, it was only later on when I discovered that I was a christian that started the eventual losing of my religion.. which wasn’t much of a rebellion actually, as there wasn’t anyone to argue with ..
see my first problem with christianity, was that there was two flavours of christchimpanzeeanity of which i was aware.. Roman Catholic and Church of England… WTF?! NO!!! they’re all supposed to be together, aren’t they? .. so the seed of doubt was planted for religion to fail, and it wasn’t like I believed in god or Jesus, at least for any significant amount of time.
but what I do remember about the brief time I was a *believer*, and this was most likely a dream, so it’s actually possible that my whole “believer” phase was one dream, but when I was about seven or eight or nine or ten, or thereabouts, I first heard about god and or Jesus and that it or he was my deity or saviour or whatever it was exactly how a child thinks when the concept of god is introduced.
this could all have been a dream long after i first heard about god / Jesus , but
The disturbing thing was that being a believer gave me “power” – it was a rush….
i only remember a snippet of the dream, and it’s more of a feeling…
and the feeling is what it would be like to have “hostile” people closing in from all around you, so you are under attack, and you are looking down at the ground, but u can’t actually see the ground as it is covered in long grass, so it’s impossible to run away as you just can’t get your feet off the ground high enough to step over the grass to make the required steps in order to run.
So you are stuck where you are, you have to make your stand, right there.
So as you are looking down you see these people closing in on you out of the corners of your eyes through the grass as it drifts back and forth in the gusty breeze.
But these people are ‘normal’ looking, it’s not like they are terrorists or a bikie gang or escaped prisoners or anything sinister, if anything, they are dressed in rather bright baggy t-shirts and big baggy pants, as at least one of them is dressed like that, and this one person you’ve spotted is a kid, probably a chubby Samoan or Maori teen about thirteen?
But regardless of what they look like, somehow they are still “hostile”, so you suddenly stand up and lean right back arching you back right over so your shoulders are facing upwards, and you are leaning back as far as you can without falling, and then a bright white light lightning bolt hits you and/or emanates from you as you lean back with your arms flayed wide like you being crucified by this light.
However, this energy bolt doesn’t hurt you – it charges you up! gets you going! it fills you with righteousness, you are clenching your teeth and your fists as tight as you can, as this energy/light whatever it is wrapped around you becomes tangible, such that you can hold it like it’s a weapon, and you can feel the power rushing through you as you feel the power of this weapon, and you *know* that you can destroy the world with this power and in that moment……….
you know what this energy-light thing is that is encompassing you, you know that there is a “presence” in this energy, you realise who this being is, you *know* who this energy is, who it is that is alive as that energy, and that person wants you to use this power, and they want you to use it *now*…
of course u know who it is….
come to destroy the world…
and *you* are the conduit, *you* are the lightning rod absorbing the wrath of God, *you* are the literal soldier of christ, you are the literal god warrior, *you* are the crusader of light.
The alpha and the omega, is *YOU*.
*YOU* *are* *Jesus* – at least in part, the *earthly* part – and *YOU* are now an active part of God, mind, body and soul, and *YOU* are to conduct the very essence and power of God, to destroy the world over and over and over.
God’s very blood flows through *your* veins and vengeance is why you are here, you are going to reset the Earth back to how it was and start again…
…and you are going to start right now…. and these kids with their brightly coloured baggy clothing are the first sinners to deal with… but you’re not sure what they have done exactly, you’re pretty sure it was something to do with them looking at you funny, and they may have called you a name…
most likely a dream, and not, an actual thing that happened – but i’m not really sure – *winks*at*the*nutters* – so i thought i’d put that disclaimer in there…
i should also note that the word “evil” is the best one word description to approximate that feeling in retrospect… ‘evil’ was the feeling I got from believing in god, Jesus or whatever it is the cool kids call it these days, Yzwksjkwkl, Yehyeh, Yeeehah, Youwah .. YES-U-R …. Yes-you-are!!!
and the nearest experience I can think of today, is the same “rush” I get when listening to say,.,, Slayer or Metallica or TOOL or Van Halen, something like that ….
but that was pretty much the only god/Jesus experience I can recall, but imagine what would happen if that sort of experience happened regularly to someone? to an adult person?? an adult christian person?
is this what the fundy experiences all the time?
IT’S DARK SIDED!!!