Archive for May 2009

Jesus loves everyone… (mincing words)   Leave a comment


“Jesus loves everyone” … really???

could have fooled me, because going by the gaggle of belligerent christians that are on the internet, it’s pretty obvious to me that the phrase “Jesus loves everyone” is in fact, a heap of bullshit…

It’s bullshit because it seems that there is a catch to the meaning of that phrase…

Talk about “mincing words”, because when you inquire as to what “everyone” actually means in the “Jesus loves everyone” mantra, it turns out that it’s “Jesus loves everyone… except gays, muslims, atheists, Hindus, blah blah blah blah blah” or to keep a long list short, “Jesus loves everyone except those who don’t follow christianity”.

or rather – their own particular version of christianity

But wait… it seems that a lot of christians have got the idea that Jesus will love them, *if* they love Jesus first…

that sounds like an ultimatum or a threat, does it not?

That is hardly the unconditional love of Jesus that I was taught about! You don’t *decide* to love someone because of some arbitrary thing they say or do. Like you don’t get to love someone on the condition that they love you first, what sort of fucked up situation is that?

He that-eth believeth in me-eth shallest be-eth oft thou something

I mean, the bible does say

Mark 16:16 He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned.–KJV

What happens to people like me that don’t believe, but have been baptised already? again, christinsanity doesn’t cater for everyone – but yes – “he that does not believe” shall be damned… now it doesn’t say exactly what being damned is about but…

but what does that matter?

It doesn’t matter because I don’t believe in *whatever* this christian damnation is all about (which does make me wonder why i write these things), so if you think I should be damned for not believing in one of many gods, then fuck you too buddy!

and that’s funny too isn’t it?

because a christian can tell you that you’re going to hell on a whim.

You don’t know me, and yet this one arbitrary thing makes me bound for hell?

again, fuck you, because belief, like love, is not something that can be instantly felt or bestowed, at least not without hard concrete evidence. How do these believers expect the non-believer to suddenly accept Jesus into their heart’s in the space of fifteen seconds?

No.. faith doesn’t work like that.. Just because the believer spent the last twenty years sucking up to Jesus and god it does not mean that that two decades of belief will somehow transfer over to me in the space of a minute.

I don’t believe in Jesus so I’m going to hell

I’ve often been told “you need to believe in Jesus” by heaps of people online… “but, why is that?”, I ask … “so you can be saved” … “saved? what do i need to be saved from?”… “from hell!” … “So if I don’t believe in this Geebus, I’m going to hell?” .. “yes! that’s it!”

hrrmmm? ok! … i won’t mention that if i don’t believe in Jesus in the first place then this hell that I am bound for, is also not being believed in on my part, so this threat, is an empty threat.

if someone walked up to you and said

“you need to vote for such and such” or “vote for such and such!”

and you respond

“oh no thanks, I’m already voting for so and so”

or perhaps you don’t want to talk to them *at*all* about politics, not many people do, so you even say

“uhmm… sorry, but no thanks, I’m not into politics” or “i don’t vote” or “I don’t care”

or whatever it is that you politely say to them to make them go away…

now.. what would you do if that person then told you to

GO TO HELL?

I, personally, would say “go fuck yourself!” and would be inclined to contact the office of this politician and demand to know why I was just insulted on the street, out of the blue, while i was minding my own business by one of his/her campaigners…

Believing in Jesus is not a license to be an arsehole

now, apply that situation to the christian… as a non-believer in the sky daddy god creature, if some christian walks up to me and says that I need Jesus in my life and that if I reject him, I’m going to an eternal burning lava-lamp lake of fire in hell or something, well, I am *also* inclined to tell that person to go fuck themselves

The reason being is that, in actual fact, when most christians tell me i need to believe in Jesus they are actually making a threat,

saying that I “need to believe in something or else” is a FUCKING THREAT…

if christians don’t realise they are making a threat, then that is not my problem that they are so deluded as to have their religion so deeply ingrained into their fucked up little minds that they don’t notice that they are making a threat while trying to spread the word and love of Jesus…

just because you mention Jesus, it does NOT mean that you get to say whatever the fuck you want… In fact, telling someone your opinion about anything and then demanding that someone needs to share that opinion as well,

that’s just plain fucking rude…

and besides … I love LAVA LAMPS!!

most written … 2009-05-07 …. mostly …

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evolution is a bunch of BULL CRAP!! (humour)   Leave a comment


evolution is a bunch of BULL CRAP!!


Now I, for one, think evolution is a bunch of BULL CRAP.

But I’ve been told I have to teach it anyway.

It was thought up by Charles Darwin and it goes something like this:

In the beginning we were all fish. Okay? Swimming around in the water.

And then one day a couple of fish had a retard baby, and the retard baby was different, so it got to live.

So Retard Fish goes on to make more retard babies, and then one day, a retard baby fish crawled out of the ocean with it’s mutant fish hands…

and it had butt sex with a squirrel or something and made this. retard frog squirrel, and then that had a retard baby which was a… monkey fish-frog…

And then this monkey fish-frog had butt sex with that monkey, and… that monkey had a mutant retard baby that screwed another monkey and… that made you!

So there you go! You’re the retarded offspring of five monkeys havin’ butt sex with a fish-squirrel!

Congratulations!
— Mrs Garrison – South Park s10e12 “Go God Go”


Posted 2 May, 2009 by manabrau in humour, Religion Sux Arse, south-park, T.A., tv-quotes